Vatican: Barron Came In Last

In a break from tradition, the Vatican announced today that Fr. Stanley Barron finished last in voting for the Papacy in 1978. “We can assure you that Fr. Barron did not win the popular vote. In fact, he received no votes. We hope that Mr. Hannon will now drop his insistence on a recount,” the statement said. The Mr. Hannon referred to in the statement is Jim Hannon (’79), who acted as Fr. Barron’s 1978 campaign manager and has long held that his candidate actually won the election. “In my heart I know we won,” Hannon says today, “but in light of this announcement I have to do what’s best for the Church and will drop my 22 year fight for a recount. What the hell, the Polish guy’s not too bad, I guess.”