BayleyAlumni News

Yes, We've Made Most of it Up
Seriously, we're talking about Bayley here. How much news can there really be?

Mascot Change Considered

In light of recent events which have tarnished the image of bishops throughout the United States, Bayley-Ellard administrators are considering changing the beloved mascot of the school. "We just think it might be time to change to a mascot that doesn't have such a negative image with the public," said one high ranking Bayley official. Mascots under consideration to replace the Bishop are the Telemarketer, the Used Car Salesman, and the Drunk Driver.

Russo to Peter: Drop and Give Me 20!

In a booming voice that could be heard from the pearly gates to the River Styx Coach Russo ordered short stop St. Peter to drop and give him 20 after heeling an easy grounder during practice on Thursday. "You call yourself the Rock? You're more like the sieve out there! Drop and give me 20," Russo screamed in frustration when the ball popped over Peter's glove. "I should have known better with someone named Simon, but you'd figure that after a couple of thousand years of playing ball even a Simon would start to pick up on the game," Russo complained to no one in particular, sarcastically asking, "Why do I always get all the athletes?"

Google Search Comes up Short

A Google search on his old high school turned up surprisingly few results for Dan Salmont ('89). "Everyone keeps talking about Google, so I went there to see what sites were out there on Bailey(sic)-Ellard. Talk about nothing being out there. A couple of articles about sports; some story that has something to do with Dawson's Creek, wherever the hell that is; and the resume of some NYU chick who says she worked at the Bailey(sic)-Ellard School for Gifted Children - what the hell is up with that? Talk about padding the resume! Gifted? That's funny! Anyway, you would think the old alma-mater would have more stuff out there, but I guess Bailey(sic)-Ellard isn't a big stop on the information superhighway." Mr. Salmont indicated he may run another Google search in the future, but for now he is having too much fun on AOL, especially the chat rooms.

BEBC Joins Trilateral Commission

The Bayley-Ellard Brew Crew (BEBC), formed in the Fall of 1978 by a group of seniors who most thought just enjoyed drinking beer, is actually a part of the Trilateral Commission, according to a secret memo obtained by According to those who know, the Commission was founded in 1973 by "David Rockefeller, Zbigniew Brzezinski, and other likeminded private citizens" with the goal of establishing a new world order. When contacted by phone, one charter member of BEBC, who requested anonymity so we'll just call him "Jamie" ('79), admitted their goal all along was world domination. "Oh yea, we set out to rule the world…it's a part of our charter. All those great parties and drunken orgies were just a cover," said "Jamie." Also, according to "Jamie," the BEBC has higher aspirations than just the Commission. "The Trilateral Commission is only part of the equation. We've just completed the application for membership with the Illuminati and should be hearing back from them soon. I'd hate to jinx it, but I think we stand a good chance of getting in, and when we do there'll be no stopping us."

Permanent Record Haunts Graduate

Years after graduating Bayley-Ellard and living what appears to be a rather exemplary life since then, marks on the permanent record of Bruce Castleton ('78) continue to haunt him. "That damn permanent record almost cost me a mortgage a few years back," Castleton says from his home in Tempe, "and just last year it damn near got me kicked off of jury duty. I mean, how long does it take before that thing stops haunting you? I know the Sisters said it was permanent, but come on, I'm 43 years old, this is ridiculous." Among some of the items in Bruce's record are smoking on campus; giving a substitute teacher the finger; and mooning the audience during the final performance of The Pajama Game.