BayleyAlumni News

Yes, We've Made Most of it Up
Seriously, we're talking about Bayley here. How much news can there really be?

Carriage House Declared ‘Piece of Shit’

Carl Benson ('78), visiting family in Mendham over the holidays, stopped by the Bayley-Ellard campus for the first time in almost 20 years and promptly declared the Carriage House a 'piece of shit.' "Have you seen that thing?" asked an incredulous Benson. "That thing is a damn disgrace. What a piece of shit. Maybe we can get some historic agency to designate the building an official 'piece of shit'. Forget the 'historic' designation, just make it an official piece of shit." contacted the NJ Historic Preservation Office regarding an official 'piece of shit' designation for the building but to date no calls have been returned.

Blank Diploma Proudly Displayed

On the wall of his New Haven, CT office, Dr. Jonathan Kezmerk ('75), D.M.D., proudly displays the blank Bayley-Ellard diploma he received at graduation. "I had an elective course I didn't quite finish, so the Penguin decided to punish me with a blank diploma," Dr. Kezmerk says today. Despite receiving an actual diploma after completing one week of classes over the summer, Kezmerk only displays the blank sheepskin. "I find the irony amusing. Good enough for a B.S. from Cornell and a D.M.D from Tufts…and Bayley thought so highly of me they gave me a blank one. It makes me laugh every time I look at it."

Makeout Music Collection Complete

Bayley-Ellard alumnus Kevin Hocking ('77), recently divorced after 17 years of marriage, completed his 'Makeout Music Collection' over the weekend and is ready to start dating again. "It's been so long since I had to use them all I had were old 8-tracks, so I had to get the CDs," Kevin said. "I picked up Chicago IX, Lost In Love by Air Supply, and The Best of Bread." Mr. Hocking believes the advances in technology since compiling his last 'Makeout Music Collection' will be a big plus. "With the 8-tracks there was that annoying fade-out/click/fade-in right in the middle of Baby I'm-A Want You, which would sometimes ruin the mood. But with the CDs, it'll be smooth sailing to some heavy petting."

Carriage House to be Renamed

Bayley-Ellard administrators announced today that the Carriage House will be renamed Sedita Hall in honor of Bayley sophomore Mike Sedita ('03). "The new name is in recognition of Mr. Sedita's incredible sense of humor and good taste," the press release noted. "I'm thrilled and honored," said a smirking Sedita. "I mean, when you think about all the illustrious people they had to pick from, especially those in the Bayley Hall of Fame, it's kind of weird that they picked me. But hey, I'll take it."

Study: Bayley Yearbook Notes Mostly BS

After a 20 year study of Bayley-Ellard yearbooks, Researchers at Drew University have concluded most of what people write in the yearbooks is bullshit. "Our findings suggest that approximately 93% of what is written is pure crap," said project leader Ivan Carvalich. "What people write usually has no basis in reality or even reflects what the writer honestly feels." Carvalich cited quotes such as 'you're a great person,' 'I'm glad we got to know each other,' 'we will always be friends,' and 'we'll hang next summer' as the most common lies.